Exclusive by Kalindi for the FNCR
Petite Potties for Pipsqueaks!
The Gnome Rights Coalition today threatened further strikes as part of its ongoing campaign for equal rights in public facilities accommodations, “Equal Rights for Unequal Heights!” Uneasy Baltimore citizens may recall the overflowing orange sewage in Woodberry and the broken water main downtown, both results of the largely-underground gnome riots of 2013. Both Seelie and Unseelie queens worked together that year to broker a deal for more potatoes and more sick leave for the gnomes who keep our underground services running smoothly. The Gnome Rights Coalition has said to expect more flooding if this year’s demands are not satisfactorily addressed. This year’s campaign focus is on public toilets sized for our smaller denizens.
“I notice,” said Elder Grubhunter, an assistant foreman in the Gnome Pipe-workers’ Union, “That our larger brethren, the giants, have any number of larger toilet stalls sized for them. In fact, theirs have a special designation of ‘handicapped’ so that most humans won’t use them, leaving those stalls open for giants’ exclusive use. Meanwhile, I need to carry a stepladder everywhere I go in case I have to take a [bathroom break]! As it is, my aim is really stretched to its limits, and most times everything ends up on the toilet seat or the floor. Not my fault. And it all comes back to one thing: size-ism! Just because I can’t squish you into jelly doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to [urinate] in peace.”
Her Serene Seelie Majesty Queen Shaylea III of the Aubergine Faeries has expressed her sympathies to our smaller citizens’ plight, and has pledged to work to make the realm of Baltimore friendlier for everyone, regardless of size. In fact, we can exclusively reveal that the May coronation ceremony will feature both standard-size facilities and others sized to gnomes, pixies, and smaller pwca – look for the signs! Her Excellent and Supreme Unseelie Majesty Queen Naimah I of Amandari has suggested the gnomes should, “suck it up,” and relieve themselves wherever they feel moved to do so, if they can’t find a toilet that meets their needs. “After all,” remarked Queen Naimah’s spokesgoblin, “that’s what humans do.”